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Trump is the King Midas of Poop
GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Don’t try to be all clever, cute, or even sly. Don’t have to work that hard, just be yourself and let that be your guide. LET’S GO TO PRESS.
Earthquake Porn: Portland’s city council welcomed testimony from the public about their plan to make building owners retrofit crumbling older structures that could murder people in a quake, and so many people showed up, council kicked the vote until June.
A new report released yesterday says that Portland Public Schools have done a piss-poor job in stopping sexual misconduct that’s been going on for decades.
Today in Portland Unsolved Mysteries: Someone put a bunch of planters along a two-block stretch of sidewalk on SW Naito, most likely to discourage homeless campers—but no one, including PBOT, knows who did it! Mercury investigative investigator Alex Zee investigates!
In Seattle, Amazon is showing their true colors by fighting a city tax to help curb homelessness. Also check out our sister paper the Stranger’s reporting on the subject.
In still developing news, a shooter is reportedly in custody after shots were fired in a Palmdale, California high school. As of now, we don’t know if there are any injuries.
The CEO of AT&T is apparently now realizing that paying off Michael Cohen in order to gain access to his client Trump was a screwup of bigly proportion.
Senator John McCain, who is fighting brain cancer, has come out against Gina Haspel, Trump’s pick for heading the CIA, which inspired a White House official to reportedly say, “It doesn’t matter, he’s dying anyway.”
Today in “SHUT THE FUCK UP, MIKE PENCE”: Apparently Veep Mike Pence thinks that someone in the world might give a single shit about what he thinks or says, because he’s advising Robert Mueller to wrap up his investigation into the clearly criminal dealings of Donald Trump and his cohorts (of which he is one). NOPE! Climb back into your hole, Pence.
Rudy Giuliani has quickly (and suspiciously) left his law firm, who is making some rather snide remarks about the things Trump’s newest lawyer has been babbling about on TV.
Homeland Security Chief Kirstjen Nielsen reportedly told colleagues she nearly quit after Trump berated her in front of the entire cabinet for, apparently, not doing enough to secure America’s borders (read: not being racist enough).
BREAKING: Trump to reverse Obama-era killing of Osama bin Laden pic.twitter.com/CILhUPwiZm
— David Hughes #FBPE (@DavidHughesTwit) May 9, 2018
Depressing police headline of the day: His night began with prom. It ended with an officer slamming him outside a Waffle House.
Depressing white people headline of the day: A black Yale student fell asleep in her dorm’s common room. A white student called police.
To the surprise of no one, people who live in properties owned by Fox News dick cheese Sean Hannity are evicted at nearly twice the rate as others.
Now let’s look around at the WEATHER: Clouds will move out, and the sun will move in for a very WARM weekend. (Knock the dust off your thong!)
And finally, it’s Friday—but that doesn’t mean your enemies have left early for the weekend. BE ALERT—LIKE THIS VERY SMART BIRD.